"Dr. Regan" Sounds Nice...

A photo of my camera-shy cat, Mercy. Nothing to do with the story, but I wanted to include some sort of visual.

Too Long, Didn’t Read: I'm getting a doctorate. Trinity School for Ministry, possibly sooner than expected.

Prayer requests:

1. Timing discernment on my application,

2. Interpreter certification

3. Money

4. Safety as I study and write

5. I'm a guest speaker at a conference this weekend.

Thank you everyone whose helped with the GoFundMe. Yay Jesus!

*

The two of us sit in the low-lit office, lounging on the couches opposite each other. I am clutching my “coffee” (a combination of half and half, milk, more sugar than is required for the average cake, and yeah maybe a bit of coffee). My mentor of 20-plus years is finishing his umpteenth cup of tea.

“So. Tell me about your doctorate idea.”

“Well, I’m not sure if it’s a dissertation or not, Jack.” I say, sipping my drink. “But you’re the director of a doctoral program, so I figured you would be able to tell me if it is. If it isn’t, I could just have the idea nipped in the bud immediately.”

“Indeed.” He says, eyes twinkling. “But first off, I thought you were ready to be done with school? Don’t you graduate in May?”

“I do, and I am.” I say stubbornly. “I can never understand how people like you can just go to school and get multiple degrees for fun!” He chuckles. “But if this IS a doctorate, if God makes it clear He wants me to go even further, I will. I just need to know if it’s possible.”

“Do you WANT a doctorate?”

“I want to train priests.” I swirl my cup. “And since most have doctorates these days, it would probably be best if I myself had one. Otherwise I’m just a recovering cutter with a lot of nerve. Granted, that’s been enough in the past, but it probably won’t be in the long-run.”

“Yes, if you want to be a teacher you absolutely should be Dr. Regan.”

“Well I don’t want to teach teach. Not like you in a university.” I clarify. “But like the Pittsburgh Pastoral Care Conference that Jay has every year where everyone gets together to learn about the opioid crisis and other addictions?”

“Yes.”

“Someday, I will be an annual lecturer there, and places like it. Currently I have a workshop with the Diocesan Youth Gathering every November about mental health for the kids. Someday I want to be in the adult tracks and have a lecture on self-harm.”

“Yes, you’ll definitely want to be Dr. Regan for that.” He says, sipping the final dregs of his tea. “Your current Masters, remind me what you’re doing?”

“I’m writing a workbook for self-harmers. Specifically targeted to middle schoolers. You’ve heard me talk about the stuff that’s written right now, the counselor books are good, if you’re a counselor. But if you’re a cutter going through her first week of withdrawal, the stuff out there isn’t enough. The books don’t go deep enough, it’s all only skin deep. Pun intended.” It’s the only cutter joke I do.

“How is your workbook different from what’s already been published?” He laughs.

“Well, for one thing it’s gonna be as trigger free as is humanely possible. One section will be the daily activities, each will address the body, mind or soul. Things like EMDR, yoga, art, prayers, journal prompts… things to not only distract and kill time, but actually mend the person’s insides. Then the chapters, they’ll introduce things like the 12 Steps, the science of addiction, neuroscience. WHY is it so hard to stop cutting? Why is it, even if you have healthy coping mechanisms, how is it you can go three months, three years, NINE years and still fight the urge to cut every single day?” I rub my wrist.

“Still?” He asks over his empty cup.

“Every day.” I say ruefully. “I didn’t know why until this past spring when I started reading up on neuroscience. That sort of information can really help and heal, it’s just not translated for a twelve-year-old yet. But my book will do stuff like that. There’ll be a “How To Ask a Friend For Help” template. Chapters on shame, trauma, the sleep cycle- did you know every self-harmer I’ve ever met is prone to nightmares? Things like that, all written so a kid can read it and understand.”

“That’s your dissertation right there!” He says excitedly. “Have THAT be your doctorate!”

“That’s my Masters.” I say.

“They’re letting you do that for your Masters?” He demands. “Apparently.”

He sits back, giving a slow whistle before getting up to refill his tea cup.

“Ok then, if that’s your Masters, tell me about your doctorate idea.” His tea bag bobs happily in his newly filled cup.

“It would result in another book.” He nods, continuing to dunk. “Called “The Sacrament of Self-Harm.”” He stops dunking. He looks up. As an Anglican priest he knows full-well the significance of such a spiritually heavy title. A moment later he’s returned to his couch and he’s leaning in.

“Tell me everything.”

“Jack, there are no books for priests or pastors on self-harm.”

“Have you done an exhaustive search or a preliminary one?”

“I’d say pretty tiring.” We both laugh.

“Not the same thing.” He points. “Do an extensive search.”

*Note: Immediately after this conversation I did so and verified that I was correct.*

“The idea would be to create the go-to book for priests and pastors.” My hands tremble as they hold my coffee. Maybe I’m nervous and excited. Maybe the caffein has just kicked in. “I would interview self-harmers and spiritual leaders. I would ask the self-harmers what their upbringing about God was, what they believe now, how their original belief about God influenced their self-harm, and vice-versa. I would interview every spiritual leader I could get my hands on, and counselors, and get their take on the matter. Jack, there are about half a dozen things that are intrinsically unique to self-harm that not only isn’t found in other addictions, but other addictions contradict self-harm. And someone could read every book there is on alcoholism, pornography, AND drugs, but if they meet a cutter there are a bunch of things that will not connect, because it’s so different. And people just don’t know that.”

We’re both leaning forward, clutching our drinks, stewing in the implications of what I’ve just said.

“You should come to Trinity.” He says, urgently advocating for his school.

“I checked, I don’t qualify.” I respond.

“You absolutely qualify.” He shrugs impatiently. “You’re graduating from a seminary.”

“With a Masters in Theological Studies.” I clarify. “You guys want an MDiv. I checked you guys first.” He sits back, considering me.

“We can make you qualify.”

“… What would that look like?”

*

Well ladies and gentlemen, it will look like me working my butt off.

I need about ten more classes than my current major calls for. Two will be taken this January at Trinity School for Ministry, one extra this spring at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, some Fall 2020 (TBD) and possibly Spring 2021 (TBD).

The doctoral program at Trinity was designed for full-time priests, and the school rightly supposed that you cannot be in school full-time if you’re also a rector. Hence, the program only meets in June and January. Though I would still be seven classes short of Mdiv equivalency when classes would start, admissions has encouraged me to apply for this coming 2020 cycle of the doctoral program. They sometimes allow students to apply early with the understanding that you’re actively working to be up to par. I would essentially march into the doctoral class, still wearing my graduation cap and gown. I have until the new year to decide and apply.

Whoooooo pray for me, my peoples.

In this recent light and having thought about it for a couple weeks, I have five primary prayer requests: Application, Interpreting, Money, Safety, Conference.

1. Application…

These are my two options:

1. Plow through the 10 extra classes full-time this year and begin my doctorate in June 2021. (original plan)

2. Apply for “extenuating circumstances” and begin the doctorate this coming June. Take the 10 extra classes part-time over the next 18 months.

There’s the threatening anxiety of beginning my doctorate a year sooner than I had planned (like THIS degree…) but if I was taking the needed classes for MDiv equivalency PART-TIME then I would have more time to work. The course load would be more manageable, and though I likely wouldn’t receive much financial aid if any, I would actually be able to work full-time again and be able to afford tuition.

The only reason I have not immediately said YES to beginning early is I’m a little wary… There’s the question of biting off more than I can chew. Right here and right now, I’m rearing to go! I wanna START! But come May, I may be exhausted. I’ll have just graduated, completed a workbook, I’ll be submitting it to publishers, fervently attempting to catch up on my rent (see #3 “Money”)… and beginning my doctorate this soon might not be wise. I just don’t know. But then, if I’m not beginning my doctorate classes, I would be doing Mdiv classes anyway to catch up. So perhaps it would be the same thing… I might be tired, but over the long-haul I would be pacing myself.

2. Interpreting…

There’s a very big certification exam I need to take as an interpreter. I took it once before, failed, and now I must try again. Truth is, I’m scared. Especially as it tests to see if you are qualified to work in EVERY field, and fact is, I’m not. I specialize in medicine, and performing arts, and I seek to accept assignments where I know I will serve my clients well. But to continue interpreting, I must retest. I worry about taking the test again, particularly as I’ve spent the bulk of my time this past year and a half at school full-time. My hours were easily cut in half when I started seminary, and I have no idea if my skills have suffered or not. To make matters harder, the test costs $400 to take. So it’s not just a matter of doing it again and again and again: it costs a lot. But it simply must be done.

3. Money…

Financially I’m way behind on rent (bless the school for letting me pay in increments rather than on time!). Like I said with school being top priority, my work hours have been tremendously lessened, and my bills are suffering. And the extra 10 classes will cost me. Thank you again SO so much for those who have helped with the GoFundMe, it’s been a Godsend, especially in May: My laptop broke during finals week and I was able to replace it. One simply canNOT be in school without a working laptop. This semester, textbooks which ordinarily cost an arm and a leg was manageable. Now donations will go towards these extra classes, and then my doctorate!!!

4. Safety…

I’ve been (slowly) working on a blog post/chapter about cutting urges. One of the primary reasons I never wanted to come back to school to study self-harm is because I knew the urge to cut (which is always lightly present) would inevitably become intrusively so. Spoilers: It has, and has remained jarringly present. At one point I went to my rector for healing prayer and he anointed my arms because the phantom throbbing was becoming unbearable. I have safety precautions out the wazoo, and I can assure you they’re working. But I needed to change how I went about researching for this workbook.

For the doctorate, I’m not sure what the requirements will be. As I’m seeking to write and educate for spiritual leaders, I cannot imagine for a moment that the devil won’t double his efforts, and I know it’s gonna hurt. I also know I’m not going to cut again, and I know I won’t back down from this calling… But that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be difficult, and in some ways, torturous. So prayer for mental/emotional, spiritual (and as a result of this, physical) safety is paramount.

5. Conference…

This weekend I will be a guest lecturer with the Anglican Church of North America’s Diocesan Youth Gathering for the third year in a row! My talk is on “Mental health and the Christian.” Prayer that I and the other lecturers do well, that we and the youth learn. That it sparks conversations and a better understanding of the love of Christ. That I can be a good advocate for seeking out The Lord in the midst of emotional upheaval.

*

The few friends I’ve told have asked if I will be moving, as Ambridge is an hour drive one way. Moving isn’t really an option. Well, it IS, but as a medical interpreter, I’m nestled in a sweet-spot amidst all my regular hospitals. So from a working standpoint, relocating would be impractical. And anyway, I live within walking distance of several of my best friends, my community group, my church, and Prantl’s Bakery. As my studies would require I dive even deeper into the rawness of self-harm, the convenience of not having to drive to class everyday is overshadowed by the emotional and spiritual support of being around the people (and bakery) that I love.

My friends, I’m excited.

To those who have read my previous posts, you’ll remember there was a good deal of resentment towards God for calling me to Grad School. With this, there’s joy and excitement. I cannot explain why, and maybe I’ll just enjoy the mystery. I’ve been clean for 9 years and 7 months. The week I first began to dry out, if you had told me I would get a doctorate in self-harm research, I would likely have given you some very nasty hand gestures from my wheelchair. And yet here we are.

And that’s all I’ve got today, my Lovelies. Just that I am filled with joy and excitement, that I’m always dazzled by how far I’ve come, through the help and grace of God. I’m excited for this coming weekend at the conference, and I look forward to the day I’m a lecturer for the priests. I’m nervous but anticipating these future classes and possibly the start of my doctorate next year (TBD). And I’m eternally grateful for the various ways God has provided, be it extra work, GoFundMe donations, scholarships, successful bake sales, or friends who have gifted me with Starbucks gift cards.

And with that, I say goodnight, DearHeart. You are loved. Be safe.