Happy 14 Year Anniversary!!

Me on the right, mentioned friend on the left. Not only would we have never met and become friends, but she wouldn't have even been in the water. Because not only did I convince her to jump in with me, but I also failed to mention just how cold it was... Nearly everyone else in the water with us had not yet been born on the day of my failed suicide attempt.

Just finished a FANTASTIC weekend at Laurelville with my parish and youth group! As many of you are aware, the Saturday evening marks the anniversary of my failed suicide attempt when I was 14.

Now at 28, this past Saturday marked year 14 of living. Half my life. Half. My. Life.

Each night of the anniversary I like to walk down the trek I took all those years ago, and reflect on the gifts God gave me this year. Here in no particular order are just a few gifts from 2018-2019:

* Turned 28 * Celebrated 9 years self-harm free * Was Maid-of-Honour for a best friend * Walked into Prantl’s bakery and walked out without buying anything even though I really REALLY wanted cake * Sprained my foot the day after Christmas and was on crutches for 4 weeks * Lost 20 pounds since Christmas! * Found out I have another niece on the way * Interpreted Shrek, Peter Pan, and You Can’t Take It With You. * Met the band Skillet (as an Interpreter) * Met comedian John Crist (as an Interpreter) * Went to the theatre and saw Something Rotten, and The Little Mermaid. * Lead 50+ youth through a lasagna dinner fundraiser that did NOT floor me * Was Summer Director for my church’s youth group * Was hired as Facilities Manager for youth group * Quit a job that had become toxic * Made friends that were of the male-species * Watched all the Marvel Movies (except the Hulk but who cares.) * Made it on the Dean’s List 2 semesters in a row (never had grades this good!) * Fell in love with neuroscience * Went to the movies five times (The Late Show, How to Train Your Dragon, Toy Story 3, Avengers Endgame, and Spider-Man: Far From Home) and cried shamelessly through most of them * Tried my hand at stand-up comedy * Won a prize for stand-up comedy * Decided the fame wasn’t worth the trouble and gave up stand-up comedy * Found out one of my oldest friends (who I met the weekend after the failed attempt, and was in her wedding ten years later…) is expecting a baby girl. Obviously to be named Kelsey Jr. Clearly. * Learned how to make a copy-cat Frappuccino * Learned how to make guacamole * Learned how to make quesadillas * Made a wedding cake that looked like a little tree stump. It had fondant mushrooms on it and a ladybug. It was precious. * Collaborated a birthday cake that looked like a soccer field. * Collaborated a birthday cake that looked like a greedy rabbit hoarding fondant vegetables. * Made my big brother's birthday cake. It looked like Pikachu and my toddler nephew loved it. * Discovered that if you butter and sprinkle garlic in your bread before you make a grilled-cheese sandwich you hold heaven in your hands for just a moment. * WENT A FULL YEAR WITHOUT A PANIC ATTACK!!! * Painted a few pieces I’m like, really REALLY proud of * Found a community group * Completely cleared out some friends’ garden that had become an overgrown jungle * … Discovered I’m allergic to poison ivy * Saw my brother's video in a film contest and found out he had won. * Was asked to do home visits for some of my youth in crisis * Comforted a child who was afraid of monsters by giving him a (foam) sword to sleep with * Discovered the gift that is Uber * Interpreted for a patient who took their first unassisted steps in over a year, and recorded their mother’s reaction seeing them for the first time. * Was specially requested to interpret for a highly emotional/medical event (this is like, the highest compliment you can receive as an interpreter) * Went to the zoo with my Godchildren (whom I helped deliver) * Made my brother a sword for Tekko… it was later signed by the voice actor of my brother’s character. He thought the sword was cool. * Fixed a cherished music box that had been broken for over five years. *Fell down a flight of stairs, sprained my wrist, and subsequently became an expert at using chopsticks. * Discovered the root of my sleeping disorder. * Made something like peace about it.

This weekend * Was a Ducky Diver for the 8th year * Wore a swimsuit publicly for the first time in roughly 6 years * Participated in our youth group’s EPIC dance party where we supplied 150 glow sticks. * Joined a jamming session where there were three guitarists and six singers and between the nine of us none of us knew the same songs. * Had a “Blackbird” solo * Had a great conversation on a giant boulder * Helped plan, organize, prep, and present probably the best youth track we’ve had yet * Wrote and performed a hilarious (yet deep) skit series * Directed the Lifehouse Skit * Lead a really great Real Talk after the skit * Did NOT need a nap (first time since graduating!) * Did NOT have a panic attack * Only had one nightmare but I left it on the pillow * Went to a friend’s film festival

There was a moment when I and some fellow CAYG volunteers and a bunch of high schoolers jumped into the icy creek to collect a couple hundred plastic ducks. If there are two things I hate above all else, it’s being cold and wet, yet I look forward to jumping every year. As our heads broke the water and we started screaming in agony as the cold hit us, I looked beside me to see a good friend I made over the years. We swam to each other, grabbed hands and I yelled out “It’s a great day to be alive!!” She responded with “I’m so glad you’re here!” And we both knew what we meant. I hadn’t met her until twelve years after the failed attempt. The kids in the water and on the rocks (roughly fifty?), most of them hadn’t been born. And yet here I was, surrounded by them, doggy-paddling in water so cold my limbs were burning, and having the time of my life.

As an aside, looking back at this from a recovering cutter's eyes, it was surreal, being in a place in my life where I wore a bathing suit, unashamed, and my scars are so faded, even though most people present know my story, there was nothing left to see.

Every year on the Saturday evening I bound around the parish camp fires telling everyone I can get my hands on that it’s my anniversary. I am showered in hugs and at this point it’s hardly news to anyone I tell, but they celebrate it with me. Earlier that day I had an uncomfortable but good conversation with one of my priests. After sharing that it was 14 years, he asked if this time of year was especially difficult. My answer was yes and no… Truth be told, I still consider myself suicidal but inactive. Like I’m a cutter 9 years in recovery: It’s a day-to-day decision to not hurt myself, to stick around, and to trust in The Lord. The desire to die never fully goes away, bridges are always a struggle to walk across, and there are things I have to do each night to keep myself protected from spiritual attack, and frankly it’s exhausting. But I’m not afraid.

Something I tell the middle schoolers not long after they begin 6th grade is the following: “You will go through things that make you feel alone. But you aren’t. Not really. From here on out, you know someone who tried to kill herself, had an eating disorder, was a cutter, in an abusive relationship, molested, suffers from depression, and anxiety. And the other leaders have stories of their own. But you don’t get to go through life thinking you’re alone. You’re not. And you also don’t get to claim ignorance… I’m alive because Jesus Christ is alive, and exactly who He says He is. I’ve staked my entire life on the belief that He is active in our lives, that He loves us beyond our wildest imaginings… You can try to claim that I’m here because of some deeply rooted strength or luck, but I was there and I know that's not what happened. I’m alive because and only because of the grace, mercy, and saving grace of the man who is Jesus Christ.”

Throughout their years at youth group they learn the details of my story. It is always drenched in the main character and hero: Jesus. Because of Him I not only survived, I’m thriving. Because of Him, I’m alive.

For those of you who may struggle with anxiety, depression, suicide, self-harm, loss, loneliness, shame… this isn’t the best it can be. There’s light and life and joy beyond our wildest dreams, and it can all be ours, when we call out to the God who has revealed Himself in the Bible. I am living proof of this, and I will continue to be, regardless what may happen in the future. If you struggle with depression, anxiety, or any kind of self destructive thoughts please please reach out and get help. It doesn't "get better" meaning perfect, but it gets worth it. It's worth sticking out.

Good stuff is on the other side and here, at the half-way marker, I look back and know that Jesus gives us some of the BEST stuff right in the midst of it.

So don't give up, Dear Heart.

You are wanted, loved more than you could possibly imagine, and by The God who is more than you could ever dream.

Goodnight.