Let's Talk About Trauma

Let’s Talk About Trauma.

- A prototype chapter for the workbook.

Note: This chapter references other chapters that may not yet have been written. Hang tight, if they’re not on the blog, they’ll be in the book when time comes to publish!

Other Note: For a scholastic look at the BREATHE steps, check out the post called "Theological Reflections on Trauma- Learning to Breathe" under School Papers.

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In case you’re already getting nervous about this chapter, let me first explain what I’m NOT going to be doing here.

I am NOT going to describe traumatic events in gory detail. There are a couple of reasons for this. I don’t know if you’ve yet reached out to for help. I don’t know if you have a counselor, and people you know are in your corner. I certainly hope and pray that you do! But if you don’t, giving blow-by-blow accounts of upsetting events could send you into a sneaky hate-spiral without any support, and I don’t want to do that. That being said, as we go through this book (and especially this chapter), you still might notice your body reacting strongly to things you read. Your stomach might writhe, throat constrict, the place you would ordinarily hurt yourself might itch or throb. It’s ok. If something sticks out to you or bothers you, write it down and let it be. Take a moment to do the breathing exercise I’m about to teach you. If you need to put the chapter down for a little while, it’s ok! Give yourself the breaks you need, this isn’t a race. You’ll get there.

The other reason I’m not going to describe traumatic events in great detail is to discourage both of us from the comparison game. There are many types of trauma and I don’t want you to read my examples and dismiss your struggle because I didn’t include yours. If you read the criteria for trauma below and think “This is me” then that’s enough. You don’t need me or anyone to say your particular brand of hurt is good/bad enough for it to be the truth. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very freeing and healing to hear others verbalize our pain! But without speaking to you directly as I wish I could, I cannot simply list off every possible injury. So to protect your heart from painfully reliving an event without support, and to circumvent shame from using my detailed examples as a way to inadvertently dismiss what you’re going through, I will err on the side of vague, and leave you to fill in your own story.

Whenever you read about trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) you might find yourself thinking “This is me! This started happening after ______.” you might also have another thought: “But what happened to me isn’t nearly as bad as [insert something horrible].” As you think to whatever hurts you carry with you always, I urge you to think about pain and suffering a little differently than perhaps you’re used to. We typically compare our hurts with others as if everything neatly fits on a line graph:

Rather than placing your pain on a line graph alongside every tragedy experienced by mankind, let’s take a look at our pain and suffering using a trauma circle:

There are so many ways you would have been traumatized. And I’m so sorry. But one of the worst things we will do is try to make it go away by comparing it to others and shaming ourselves out of it. I urge you to not even try. Don’t compare a molestation to rape, and don’t compare either to a fire that destroyed a home. Don’t compare the rape from a stranger with incest, and don’t compare either to a car accident that seriously injured the passengers. Don’t compare physical abuse with neglect or isolation. Don’t compare a sexual hurt with an emotional hurt or a physical hurt. Don’t compare the horrors that happened to a little kid, a teenager, an adult. Don’t compare a single isolated experience with an ongoing reality. If it really hurt you, it’s real. You don’t have to justify it to others to make it valid.

Ready... Set... BREATHE!

Before we dive into trauma and what to do with it, let’s take a moment to breathe and ground ourselves. (Don’t do this if you are actively driving a car or operating heavy machinery.) We’ll take a deep breath through our nose for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. We’ll let the air out through our mouth, pursing our lips like we’re blowing bubbles in our milk (which yes, I still do when no one is around. Because I’m an adult, and this is how I live my life.). It helps to place a hand on your chest, and the other on your abdomen. Take a minute to be quiet. Can you feel your hands on your body? If you clear your throat, can you feel the vibration beneath your fingers? Perhaps the hand on your chest can feel your heartbeat. Ok, now, let’s do the breathing.

Iiiiin two three four...

Hoooold two three four five six seven...

Ouuuut two three four five six seven eight...

Iiiiin two three four...

Hoooold two three four five six seven...

Ouuuut two three four five six seven eight...

Iiiiin two three four...

Hoooold two three four five six seven...

Ouuuut two three four five six seven eight...

And one more time for good measure.

Iiiiin two three four...

Hoooold two three four five six seven...

Ouuuut two three four five six seven eight...

When we inhale, our body automatically shoots a message to the parasympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze) that we need to get ready to move. Exhale, tells the parasympathetic nervous system to calm down. So a short inhale and long exhale helps guide our brain to take a moment and be still. I often use this technique when I’m about to have a tricky conversation, give a talk in front of a lot of people, or when I get sensory overload. It also helps my panic attacks, which we’ll talk about in detail in the chapter “Grounding: Getting Your Head Above Water when You’re Having a Panic AttaaAAAAAAGH!!” But for now, as you read this chapter, if you feel yourself getting agitated and you don’t want to take a break from reading, do take a moment to breathe.

Defining Trauma

So what IS trauma? Simply put, it’s a horrible event that you just CANNOT get over. And it’s different from a bad experience. A bad experience is when you go to the amusement park on your birthday but it’s raining so hard all the rides close. You’re disappointed, you go home, you remember it bitterly, life goes on. TRAUMA is something that is so terrifying or heartbreaking, even weeks and months later it WON’T act like a normal, unpleasant memory. No matter how hard you try, you CAN’T move on. Over time it just feels like it’s getting worse.

There are lots of groups who talk about trauma and PTSD. Currently the leading authority is an organization called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the DSM.) They have a giant book of disorders and descriptions, sort of like a mental health dictionary, and every few years they update it. As I’m writing this in 2019, the most recent update was their 5th edition in 2013. The DSM-5 says there are a several factors that need to be present for you to have PTSD (as opposed to a rough week). I include short (NOT all-encompassing) examples beneath each factor.

A Stressor (1 needed)

- Direct exposure

A terrifying, heartbreaking, [severely negative adjective] event happened to you

-Witnessing the trauma

You saw it happen

-Learning that a loved one was exposed to the trauma

You found out mom, dad, friend, whoever, was hurt or in danger

-Indirect exposure

Like when an EMT or police officer answers the call for help and it’s horrific.

Intrusion symptoms (1 needed)

- Unwanted upsetting memories

These are called “intrusive thoughts.” Memories pop up like the game whack-a-mole.

-Nightmares

The nightmare does not have to be about the event.

-Flashbacks

This is an over-the-top intense memory that feels like it’s currently happening.

-Emotional distress after exposure

You’re angry, scared, sad, ashamed... any or all of the negative feeling emotions.

-Physical reactivity after exposure

You might feel limp and unable to move, or you might feel full of pent-up energy. Your body might hurt long after the injury heals, or even if there wasn’t an injury! This doesn’t make you crazy, our bodies just react to stress in strange ways.

Avoidance (1 needed)

-Trauma-related thoughts or feelings

“Don’t think about it... Don’t think about it... DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!!!!”

-Trauma-related external reminders

“Don’t do anything that reminds me of it...”“Don’t touch me...”

Negative alterations in cognitions and mood (1 needed)

- Inability to recall key features of the trauma

Large chunks of the event are forgotten, like a dream. You might even forget entirely for awhile.

-Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself

“I deserved this.”

-Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma

“This was my fault.”

“This wouldn’t have happened if Mom had stayed home.”

-Negative affect

All those negative-feeling emotions.

-Decreased interest in activities

“I haven’t really felt like [singing] since that happened...”

-Feeling isolated

“No one understands me.”

“I should stay away from everyone so I don’t burden them.”

“I’m so alone.”

-Difficulty experiencing positive affect

Struggling to have those positive-feeling emotions.

Alterations in arousal and reactivity (1 needed)

-Irritability or aggression

Most things make you mad or irritated.

-Risky or destructive behavior

Acting reckless.

“Nothing can hurt me”

“I don’t care if it hurts.”

-Hypervigilance

Always looking over your shoulder.

Heightened senses: Everything is too bright, too loud, to hot, cold...

-Heightened startle reaction

Easily startled or scared.

You’re constantly afraid of being startled and blowing a cork.

-Difficulty concentrating

Your brain seems to go offline, or else down places you don’t want to go.

Obsessing over something that might not even matter.

I know I’m getting bad when I start obsessively counting everyone in the room again and again and again... I call it "The Hamster Wheel"

-Difficulty sleeping

Falling asleep

Waking up a lot

Bad dreams

Waking up tired

Starting to dread sleeping because it’s such a bad experience

Duration (must)

- Lasts longer than 1 month

This differentiates from a bad day or a horrible week.

Functional significance (must)

-Symptoms create distress or functional impairment

You feel out of control.

It’s effecting how you interact with others.

It’s like a siren always going off in your head.

Exclusion (must)

-Symptoms are NOT due to medication, substance use, or other illness.

There are some things that cause many of these symptoms... Drinking can cause agitation and explosive behavior. Some medications can cause bad dreams and sleep disturbances. If a beloved pet dies of old age, you’ll feel very sad for a long time. If you have a fever, you might not remember large chunks of time.

As you go down this list, maybe something you’ve gone through comes to mind. For me, I remember experiencing many of these symptoms when I was in grade school and bullied by someone I couldn’t defend myself from. I went through lots of these things when I was 19 after a “friend” decided to “teach me a lesson” by ruthlessly manipulating and verbally abusing me for months. I went through a lot of this when I was 21 and molested by someone I was once close to. I went through this with my nightmare disorder. And yes, I had Every. Single. One. of these symptoms when I decided to stop cutting. We experience these signs and symptoms in different ways. Just because you responded to an upsetting event one way doesn’t mean you’ll react to everything upsetting that way (though it’s worth taking note how you’ve handled stress in the past). I often say on this website that I'm not yet a counselor; I cannot diagnose you. But if you’ve gone down this list and really connected with it, it's time for you to talk to a trusted adult.

----- Here might be a good time to take a break and do that breathing exercise again. -----

Did anything stick out to you or rub you the wrong way?

Write it down, and let it be.

Processing your Trauma

Unfortunately, working through trauma is a PROCESS. You don’t go through a painful experience and sleep it off. You can’t cut it out of you. You can’t throw it up or starve it out of you. And no matter how many times you call yourself too sensitive or a wimp or a p****, or whatever your favorite insult is, you can’t shame it away. I’m sorry, Love, but pain and trauma doesn’t work like that. It becomes more than skin and blood, more than a thought. It becomes part of our very biology, our bodies, soul, and mind, and it too needs to be tenderly taken care of. I understand this might sound like we’re supposed to LIKE our trauma. That’s not the case. But we do need to LOVE OURSELVES through the trauma, turn to God to teach us, and allow for others to help. If we sit around in isolation until we feel better, we’re never going to come out again.

To help me, I created an acronym to act as a friendly guide. Whenever I’m facing something hard (or easy and I’m just having a bad day) I take a moment and remember to “BREATHE:”

Believe in a God who loves you and can heal

Rehearse this belief through prayerful mantra

Exercise your body

Attend to your emotions

Talk to others

Help those in need

Embrace your story

As we take a look at each of these elements, I’ll give a one-sentence snippet of WHAT each letter means, then a description of WHY this is important (aka don’t skip it just because it sounds dumb or not fun!), finishing up with a few suggestions HOW you might go about doing it. As ever, if I give a suggestion and you don’t connect with it and would like to try something slightly different, that’s ok! Remember, these are things I and my friends have done over the years that have helped US. I’ll bet you have some good ideas of your own! Try them out!

Believe in a God who loves and can heal

What: Believing (or being willing to try and believe) that the man and God Jesus Christ is real, loves you, and WILL help you through this.

WHY

This is the first and most important step, and ironically I can never find the right way to describe Him. I don’t know what sort of experience or impression of God you’ve had over the years. But the God I’M talking about is the God found in the Bible, and made known to us in the man Jesus. In the light of trauma I think it is most important someone tell you that God DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU. He isn’t punishing you, or testing you. If you’ve been severely hurt, He was not sitting in heaven thinking “He needs a lesson in patience. I know, I’ll have his uncle rape him.” He did NOT say “She’s getting a little too proud, I’ll crash the car and put her in a wheelchair.” No. No, the God of the Bible hates when the small and weak are hurt. He hates when people take advantage of others. And if anyone, ANYONE hurt you and said it was “the will of God” they were either lying to manipulate you, or they themselves have been sorely lied to. That isn’t the God of the Bible. The God of the Bible came down to die a gruesome death so He could save us from eternal pain. The Jesus Christ of the Bible weeps when we weep. He understands pain, and torment, and isolation, and illness, and grief, and terror, and He does NOT plot how best to inflict it on us. And I’m sure, as the triggers and flashbacks of your pain intrude once again, you often wonder how on earth God could care, or be “Good” if He allowed insert event to happen. And I can’t explain it. I wish I could, Dearheart I sorely wish I could explain pain.

What I DO understand, and DO know, is we can go to God with these questions. You’re not going to make Him angry if you scream at Him, if you demand and answer, if you cry and rant, and break things. He’s not going to punish you for doubting. He’s not going to punish you for hurting. What He WILL do, is meet you where you are. You might already know this, in which case I encourage you to pray how best you pray, and cry out to Him the best way you know how. But if you don’t, I encourage you to try. He loves you. And He is furious with the people who hurt you, or the sin and brokenness that made your hurt so easy to happen. And you can ask Him about it.

HOW

If you’ve never journaled, now is a good time to start. I keep a prayer journal where each passage is begun with “Dear God” or “Dear Jesus.” Write to Him like you would a friend. Or someone you’re angry with. But write to Him. Ask Him what’s going on, and why did this have to happen? Ask Him to show you something. To help you recognize love in the midst of this terrible, terrible time. Sometimes I’ll pick a song or Psalm that describes how I feel and write it down in the journal. It helps, writing out the pain I’m feeling. I dare you to be brave, and ask Him to help you love and trust Him. If the concept of believing in a loving God is difficult (which we’ve ALL struggled with) I encourage you to read the letter “Dear Rose: Exploring our Doubt” on page A, and “What’s (God’s) Love Got to Do With This?” on page B.

Rehearse this belief through prayerful mantra

What: Calling upon a prayer, montra, catchphrase, Bible verse, or song lyrics that remind you of this belief.

WHY

If you want to play an instrument well, you practice. If you want to memorize a monologue, you practice. If you need to learn mathematic formulas, the table of elements, a song, or the exact way to your friend’s you, you practice practice practice! Trusting in someone, even and especially God, takes practice. By giving yourself something to focus on, a phrase, a song, or a prayer, you’re able to train yourself daily to return your struggle to Jesus. We even rehearse on days we’re feeling fine. You don’t go on your first run the day of the marathon! No, you start running days, weeks, and months before. With training ourselves to turn to God in prayer, we’re preparing ourselves for hard days in the future, as well as whatever may be going on in the now. There are many times when I’ve heard a song, knew I might like to sing it later, so I learned it before I needed it. When the time finally came to sing it, I knew the song very well! If you take several times a day to practice something, then in your hour of need you don’t need to struggle with remembering how to do or say the thing. Rehearsing our prayer or mantra when we’re feeling fine prepares us to automatically say it when we REALLY need it!

HOW

I’ll give you a few examples of short prayers, and if you want to claim one for yourself, you’re absolutely welcome to have it. Maybe you’ll be inspired to write one of your own! Pick something and practice it every day for a couple days. Here are just a few of my own mantras...

“I love Jesus more than I want to cut. Today, I will prove it.”

“Jesus, thank you for the strength for today.”

“Christ is Risen from the dead, and He is helping me heal

... and if the devil doesn’t like it he can come kiss my ***.”

(Sung to the tune of “Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in My Heart)

“If I can believe Jesus was raised from the dead, I can believe He will help me not cut .”

“I have not come this far, only to have come this far. Jesus, help me make it further!”

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” -Matthew 28:20

Any part of Psalm 139. Or any of the Psalms, really.

You can also find a bunch of ideas in the “Soul” prompts in the workbook section of this book, or the chapter “Prayer: More than Kneeling, More than Words” on page C.

Exercise your body

WHAT: Activities that (safely) engage your body with itself and the environment.

WHY

Hang in there while I take a moment to geek out...

Our bodies are AMAZING creations by God! He designed it so that our physical actions directly influence our emotions, and vice versa! When we take care of our bodies, they eventually start communicating with us, telling us about our emotions! When I was in my twenties and really struggling with my nightmare disorder, I started doing yoga before bed to try and calm down. After about a week, I noticed something terrifyingly awesome: The more I stretched, the more I felt where my body carried my emotions. When I self-harmed, I used to feel fear, sadness, anger, and all my other negative feeling emotions in my arm or leg, wherever I happened to be cutting at the time. I thought that was just where my body carried all hurts. But as my body got stronger, and I took the time to listen to it without hurting it, I gradually discovered my body carries all my emotions, all over the place! I could feel the anxiety rising in my throat and between my eyes, the exhaustion in my chest, shame in my stomach, fear in my shoulders. And instead of being afraid of how it felt (like when the engine light turns on in the car, or the computer announces a virus) I was able to approach the feeling with polite curiosity, and take care of it without falling to pieces (like the car gaslight, or the little red pop-up saying to plug your laptop in). We don’t have to fear our bodies, and the messages it might tell us. Instead, we can take a few minutes each day to make it better at communicating, and us better at listening!

HOW:

When physically engaging your body, it’s important to be mindful and realistic of its current state. Is it still healing from the last time you hurt yourself? If so, be kind to that area. If your arms are still healing, focus on the legs. If your legs are still healing, focus on your arms. If your abdomen is still healing, don’t further agitate the area. Allow your body the time it needs to heal. A rule of thumb that we recovering self-harmers especially need to be mindful of is: If it hurts, stop; don’t do it. This is about taking care of your body, and we know the difference between ‘healthy’ hurt and ‘self-harm/pushing it’ hurt. You don’t get to claim ignorance or loopholes; you know better. Without knowing the current condition of your body, here are a few physically engaging activities that may be great options for you: Walking. Biking. Climbing. Running. Dancing to your favorite band. Taking off your shoes and wading through the creek, or grass. Lifting weights (a can of soup from the kitchen is a great substitute if you don’t have dumbbells). It doesn’t have to make you sweat: Knitting or crocheting. Doing a puzzle. Playing with legos. Working in the garden. Picking flowers. Standing in the rain. Jump-rope. Taking the dog on a walk. Playing with the cat (no intentionally letting FurryFluff scrape you up!) Walking up and down the stairs. Taking a hot or cold shower or bath. And of course, YOGA!!!

For pictures of easy yoga poses, check out page D. You can also find a bunch of ideas in the “Body” prompts in the workbook section of this book. The chapter “My Body: A Work of Art, Not a Canvas” is a helpful chapter for learning how to treat our body with love.

Attend to your emotions

WHAT: Anything that (SAFELY!!) acknowledges and (frickin’ SAFELY!&!%) nourishes your emotions

WHY

Our emotions oftentimes might feel VERY unpleasant, but that doesn’t make them bad. One of the many reasons I think I tended towards self-harm was it gave me a way to see and touch my emotions. Seeing my hurt made it real, something I really needed because no one else would validate me. This desire, to see, be seen, feel and be felt, to acknowledge your pain in and of itself isn’t bad. This need is actually very healthy. But the WAY we go about it is often far more hurtful in the long run. For as long as we’ve been self-harming, we’ve been attending to our emotions, but not safely. We’ve acknowledged we have pain and struggles, but our response hasn’t been nourishing. It just adds to our shame and isolation. In the journey to being well, we need to take these feelings, needs, and desires (which again, are GOOD) and teach them how to express themselves in ways that are ALSO good. And we can’t just ignore the fact we have emotions. Remember the cinematic trope where the robot discovers love and self destructed because it wasn’t made to handle the pain. In our case, we aren’t made to handle numbness. It might work for awhile, but inevitably we self-destruct as well. Clearly.

HOW

Just as exercising can help us perceive our emotions, so our emotions and thought process can effect our body! This does NOT mean if we think really really hard we’ll flip a switch and no longer have depression, anxiety, or whatever. But we can pay attention to the cries of our heart for attention, for our hurt to have a face and voice, and find healthy (even fun) ways to give it that. For ME, the best way I attend to my emotions is activating my right brain and getting creative. Drawing, singing and dancing (to my very very loud, often angsty or silly music), writing stories or scripts, are all ways that help me take my inner emotions and not only process them, but make them tangible. When I’m done with the drawing, I can keep it to myself, or show a friend. When I’ve written a very long entry in my prayer Journal, giving God a real piece of my mind, I can feel better having had a really good cry, and I’ll often bring the journal to my next counseling session, where we’ll read it together. When we allow our bodies to cry, the act releases toxins, making us feel lighter when we’re done. Drawing brings the analytical left brain back into communication with the creative brain, giving our mind and bodies a better sense of wholeness and integration. All of which work together to making a healthier, stronger YOU!

For more on how our thoughts influence our bodies, read chapter “The Science of Addiction: You’re Not Crazy, This is Why it Felt Good.” Pay special attention to the passage on neuron transmitters! For more on the our emotions role play, read chapter “Glad, Mad, Sad, Afrad, and other driving Emotions.” If creativity is especially difficult right now, the chapter “Grey Eyes: Loss of Creativity” might be helpful. You can find a bunch of creative, mental/emotional care activities in the “Mind” prompts in the workbook section of this book.

Talk to others

WHAT: Intentionally reach out to people who love you and ask for help and companionship, even if it’s scary.

WHY

I am no stranger to isolation, osterisation, and loneliness. Believe me, I get it. I know how scary it is, to bear your heart and soul and give others the chance to really really HURT you, by admitting you need them. But you can’t do this alone, DearHeart. I know you’ve forced yourself to do this all by yourself for a long time, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself. It doesn’t work. Not really. Don’t get me wrong, you’re able to get through the day without “burdening” ANYONE, without “bothering” ANYONE, without “annoying” ANYONE. But in doing so you’ve robbed others of the opportunity to LOVE you, to LISTEN to you, to HUG you, to CARE for you, to LAUGH with you. You’ve gotten through the day without any of these things. But at what cost? As a “fully functioning adult” who has spent YEARS practicing this step, I can assure you that it stays scary. But it’s worth it, my dear, so very worth it. I’m so thankful I reached out for help in the past, because now I can text a friend, let them know I’m having a rough day, and they already know a lot of what’s going on. I know they love me for me, not a fake me I show the world. Did I lose some friends along the way? Well, yes and no. I learned some people only wanted to be around me because I seemed perfect. And that hurt. But I also learned that some people were just waiting to love me, once I gave them the opportunity.

HOW

There are two aspects to this one... Getting friend/family help, and getting professional help. If you need practice before talking to a friend, there are talk hotlines you can call with people who are happy to listen, and help you figure out what to say. I know this because this is how I first prepared myself to ask for help! One of the vitalist things you can do for yourself is seek out a counselor. A school counselor, someone your doctor or priest could recommend... I know money is often so tight, but there are some great counselors who are willing to work with you if they understand you’re a teenager paying for this yourself. Many priests also have something called a “Discretionary Fund” that they sometimes use to help people like us get connected. I first met MY counselor when one of my priests found out I really wanted to get professional help but couldn’t afford it. He offered to half the bill with me for awhile until I was able to make some steady money to pay for it myself.

If you need help figuring out how to reach out, you can always use the “Asking for help from a friend” template on page W, or chapters “This One’s for the Parents” (page X) and “Connecting with a Counselor” (page Y). Hotline numbers can be found in the back of your book on page Z. (Suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

Help those in need

WHAT: Reach out to others who are hurting and love them in ways you have been (or wish you had been) loved.

WHY

One of the best ways we embody the love we’ve experienced is by giving it back. To those who have helped us, AND people who weren’t involved! Learning to treat yourself kindly can be a full-time job, and it can be easy to get stuck in your own head. Taking the time to help others takes us out of ourself and makes our own world just a bit bigger and a lot nicer. We’re not meant to just take and take. (And for those of us who struggle with “Talk to others” we’re not supposed to just give and give.) We’re meant to give and take.

HOW

It doesn’t have to be fellow self-harmers, it can be anyone. Maybe you can volunteer at the local food bank. Offer to disinfect the toys in your church nursery. Let that nice couple who help you out that you’d like to babysit for free once a month so they can have a date night. Walk the dogs at the local shelter. Pick up trash in the park. Do the dishes after dinner. Weed the community garden. Offer to read to the kids at the library. Be there for your friends. Find someone a couple years younger than you and buy them ice cream and ask how they’re feeling. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. You have a bunch of gifts, and maybe one of them would be the perfect way to give back to people!

A word about helping other cutters: Avoid the cutting websites and youtube videos. If you truly believe you are being called to minister to these spaces, take precautions. DON’T watch the videos. If you have a time of the day you would routinely hurt yourself, don’t go on these sites at that time. Plan for and follow through with self-care when you leave. In the mission to help others, you don’t want to hurt yourself again. Also, be aware that you’re NOT a counselor. It’s wonderful if you want to be there and help others, but you cannot take the place of a professional. One of the best things we can do for others is help them understand that they need friends AND professional care.

Embrace your story

WHAT: Accept that this painful part of your life is not the final page, but a chapter that has shaped who you are, and realize that God can, has, and will, use it to help you and others.

WHY

If you’re anything like me, you’ll likely look at this step with a mix of impatience and skepticism. We want to hurry up and get this one over with. But at the same time, it seems suspiciously like we’re supposed to be HAPPY we went through what we went through.

First, remember, this entire thing is a process, and it can’t be rushed. Second, embracing your story does NOT mean saying it was all fine and good. The traumas we experience are most certainly NOT good! It does NOT mean enjoying it. There was nothing remotely enjoyable about being [insert horrible experience]. But you’ve learned how to integrate it. This means that instead of having an event that defines who you are, you instead have another chapter that explains you a bit better. But looking back you’re hopefully able to see how God intervened and took care of you. Maybe He sent you people who were able to help. Maybe He gave you courage. Maybe He sent you the right song, the right friend, the right counselor, the right hug, and you knew you were still loved. And you can take comfort that you’re still here, and the event didn’t take you with it. (Looking back at the event, this is a great opportunity to give it a rude hand gesture and tell it to do something I’m not supposed to write here because I know some 6th graders who will be reading this).

HOW

This step asks a lot of questions, and they never really end. Take the time to journal what the event was like for you then, compared to now. What’s changed? What are ways you’ve grown (the good things AND the bad)? Are there ways you’ve been able to understand or help others because of your experiences? Are you glad you were able to help them? What have you learned about yourself? Are you glad you know these things? This doesn’t mean you should be glad about WHY you changed. But you’re still here, Dearheart. You’re still here. And the people in your life are so glad. I hope you are too.

In Conclusion... Allowing for Grace.

I’ve been doing this stuff for years, and I’m still not very good at it. Some days I do these things automatically. Other days I get stuck in my own head, or I’ll look up and it’s been a week since I last did my yoga, or I’ve been so busy I haven’t taken the time I need to draw, or sing, or journal. Life happens, and we just take the necessary steps to notice this, let it be, an get back to it. Allow yourself the grace to mess things up, to get scared and confused. And don’t rush this process. You can’t force yourself to “get over it” anymore than you can force yourself to get taller. All you can do is take care of your body and set things up so it might succeed. If you want to get taller, you drink milk, eat your vegetables, and exercise. If you want to find health and strength, you seek out God, asks for help, and take care of your body, mind, and soul.

Throughout this book you’ll be reading chapters about ways to focus in on certain aspects of your life. Many of them will be hard and uncomfortable. Some will be silly and fun and you’ll wonder what they have to do with cutting, addiction, or getting stronger. Just because it doesn’t immediately make sense doesn’t mean it doesn’t help. (Especially the pictures of my cats. They are ESSENTIAL for the healing process!) And just because you’re not where you want to be, doesn’t mean you’re not moving. Even and especially on the harder days, when you wake up feeling horrible, and you wonder if you’ve made any progress at all, those are the days especially where we need to take a deep breath and take the time to Believe in a God who loves you and can heal, and Rehearse this belief through prayerful mantra. You need to give yourself permission to Exercise your body and Attend to your emotions. And be very very brave and Talk to others. Eventually you too can Help those in need. And sometimes, you’ll look up from a joyful moment... or having just helped a friend who really needed your help... or you’ll have a great time journaling or singing to God, and you’ll Embrace your story. It’s a process, it’s a journey, it’s a mystery, and we don’t know how it’s going to happen.

Let’s find out together.

Suggested Playlist

Believe in a God who loves you and can heal

1. I Won’t Let You Go -Switchfoot

2. O Lord - Lauren Diagle

3. Fall Apart- Josh Wilson

4. Love You More -Matthew West

Rehearse this belief through prayerful mantra

1. Trust in You - Lauren Diagle

2. Shoulders - For King and Country

3. Oceans - Hillsong United

4. Steady My Heart -Kari Jobe

Exercise your body (Some fun songs to work out to...)

1. Undefeated - Skillet

2. Feel Invincible - Skillet

3. Hero- Skillet (Basically, anything by Skillet)

4. Any anime theme song

Attend to your emotions

1. Busted Heart -For King and Country

2. Blessings - Laura Story

3. You Are More- Tenth Ave North

4. Worn- Tenth Ave North

Talk to others

1. Me and Jesus - Stellar Kart

2. Fight On, Fighter - For King and Country

3. No Man is an Island -Tenth Ave North

4. God Only Knows -For King and Country

Help those in need

1. The Proof of Your Love - For King and Country

2. By Our Love - For King and Country

3. Do Something -Matthew West

4. Give Me Your Eyes - Brandon Heath

Embrace your story

1. My Story -Big Daddy Weave

2. Priceless - For King and Country

3. You Say -Lauren Diagle

4. Survivor - Zach Williams

Let's Talk About Trauma

Believe in a God who loves and can heal

Rehearse this belief through prayerful mantra

Exercise your body

Attend to your emotions

Talk to others

Help those in need

Embrace your story

In Conclusion... Allowing for Grace.

Suggested Playlist

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