Shame

The Voices of Shame

A Prototype Chapter for the Workbook

In the house I grew up we had a giant crabapple tree out front. And it was very sick. All year it would shed its leaves, contaminating the dirt. Nothing could be planted near it because the roots were so entangled there was no way for anything else to take root. Even if we had, the endless leafs and crabapples crushed or smothered everything we planted. I lost many a pretty pansy trying. Dad said it was too close to the house to safely uproot, so that part of the yard simply had to be surrendered to the tree. When last I saw it, the roots had sprung up, destroying the sidewalk. But what if we had addressed the tree when it was much smaller and we first saw it was sick? It would have always been messy, but not impossible.

Let’s talk about shame.

Shame, is a lot like that crabapple tree, and we have two options: Do we address it, or leave it alone and accept the havoc it will inflict? Shame is not neutral, we can’t trust it to be by itself. It wants to break things. But where do we even start? First of all, it’s important you understand there is a difference between Guilt and Shame. Simply put, Guilt is the healthy disappointment towards yourself and your actions. Shame is the unhealthy condemnation of your very identity. Deciphering which is which can be an almighty headache, but at their bare-bone basics, Guilt corrects and Shame condemns.

The fight between Guilt and Same is ongoing and can be found anywhere. School, trying new things, our friends, families, our bodies, how we look, Shame is thoroughly unbiased where it stakes its territory... Here’s just a few examples of healthy Guilt versus unhealthy Shame.

Guilt Shame

“I did poorly on my test. I should have studied more.” “I’m an idiot and a failure.”

“I treated her badly, I need to apologize” “I’m a horrible friend.”

“I behaved disrespectfully” “I am a terrible daughter

and I have disgraced the

family name."

“Well THAT didn’t go very well.” “What was I thinking,

thinking I could do this??”

“I should lose weight to have a healthy body” “I am ugly, and don’t

deserve to eat.”

Any of these sound familiar? Maybe none of these examples are ringing true for you, but hopefully reading them will alert you to some of your own inner conversations.

Guilt is a very good and healthy thing. Let’s not mince words Dear, sometimes we’re just wrong. And we need to own that. Sometimes we behave very poorly. We are often rude, hurtful jerks. Puberty brings out the devil in us and we really like what he has to say. (Incidentally, he doesn’t leave when you finish your teen years. I’m 28 and he still comes over to share compelling ideas.) We can be very selfish, and we hurt people. Sometimes by accident, sometimes intentionally. Guilt is what points out our faults and compels us to say sorry. It reminds us how we behaved in the past, forces us to take responsibility, and encourages us to be better. Guilt is a good thing. Just imagine what we would be like without it! A guiltless person doesn’t care about their actions and how it can hurt people. A guiltless person lives as if she can do no wrong. She is ignorant and entitled, and not really fooling anyone. A guiltless person lives as if he is always the victim cannot possibly hurt others. He is naive at best, and maliciously deceptive at worst. Neither of them ever say sorry, because they are never in the wrong. If something bad happens it’s always the someone else’s fault, and they are powerless to do anything about it. (This is called “the Locus of Control” by the way, and you might enjoy reading more about it!) Lest we become like these people, we need Guilt to serve as a healthy guide to remind us of our responsibility, and protect us from becoming insufferable pricks. Guilt is a very good, healthy thing.

Shame is unhealthy, and not the same thing as Guilt. Shame takes a look at your mistakes (or anything) and sentences you to a life of unworthiness. While Guilt might encourage you to try again and do better, Shame says it’s better to not even try... you’ll mess it up again. There’s no way to make it remotely better. You don’t deserve love or forgiveness... It will take any shortcoming and magnify it. It’s not unlike bacteria attacking sugar, or your grandmother planning your wedding when she finds out you have spoken to someone of the opposite gender. They can wring life out of a rock. Shame can make its home anywhere. Shame doesn’t allow for words like “learning experience” or “mistake.” No no no no. No, you are A Failure™. A shame-filled person is terrified of messing up, and will often prefer not to try, lest they risk failing. A shame-filled person will apologize for even the smallest offense (having an opinion, laughing loudly, being happy...). Where the guiltless person can do no wrong, the shame-filled person can do no right. Everything is in some way their fault. There’s healthy responsibility, but Shame goes beyond that. Shame is unhealthy, and not the same thing as Guilt.

Something important when looking at Shame, is recognizing the voices that condemn us. Is it my voice? Is it the voice of a family member or teacher? Is it a thought I had independently of anyone else, or did someone outside my head say this (or something a lot like it)? This is very important because it influences how we address it. There are three sources of Shame... Shame from others, Shame from ourselves, and assumed Shame from God. First, we’ll look at Shame from others.

Like we distinguished between Guilt and Shame, here we need to differentiate between “Helpful Criticism” and “Condemnation.” Helpful Criticism is a lot like Guilt, while Condemnation is, you guessed it! Shame. There are so many relationships we could examine, but let’s take a look at Mom and Dad and some things we may or may not have heard them say.

Helpful Criticism Condemnation

“That shirt isn’t really your color, because it washes you out.” “You’re ugly.”

“Your grades have been falling and we need to address this.” “You’re an idiot.”

“You’ve gained a lot of weight. We “No one will ever love

need to talk about healthy habits.” you, looking like that.”

“I’m disappointed/angry at you.” “I’m ashamed of you.”

Of course tone and setting play important factors. The phrases in the Helpful Criticism column become Condemning if say, it’s said at the dinner table with company over, or they never have anything positive to say to you. On the flip side, the Condemnation words might come up in jest with friends. I have a very good friend and each time we see each other we present a new stream of clever insults. But we know it’s how the two of us love each other, there is a clear understanding that we mean no harm. The line can often be ambiguous, but as you get older, you’ll be able to better discern the difference.

Focusing on Helpful Criticism, let’s take a look at Mom and Dad (though you can take these concepts and apply it to anyone). First of all, just because we don’t like what we hear, it doesn’t automatically make it Condemnation or wrong. While you’re under the care of your parents or guardian, there are certain things that are their responsibility, and many of these conversations can be very uncomfortable and upsetting: Helping you better manage your time, getting a good education, teaching you how to color-coordinate and not look like a squash, guiding you against unhealthy relationships (because maybe that guy really ISN’T a great romantic prospect), and yes, maintaining healthy habits. Having struggled with an eating disorder, I understand all too well how weight can be an especially tricky topic. Several years after my Anorexia days, my mom rightly observed that I had gained a lot of weight, and was concerned. Was she right? Yes. Was I hurt? Absolutely. But it wasn’t because she was mean about it, it was just a conversation no one really wants to have. And a lot of Helpful Criticism is like that. At its core, the corrections and comments tend to come from a loving or helpful place. Like Guilt, it’s trying to help you be the best you can be. That being said, our words can often miss the mark despite our intentions, and it requires A LOT of patience and grace!

Now let’s look at Condemnation. Whether it’s a parent, ‘friend,’ or an anonymous post online, hearing a voice or reading words saying you are in anyway not good enough, or less than... it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. It can be heartbreaking. And words can stick with you for years- your entire life even. My stomach still lurches when I remember a close friend saying I was weak and a burden, eight years ago. Afraid there was truth to this, I became terrified of sharing my struggles with people. I still go cold when I remember seven years ago, my boyfriend at the time said I was more than he had bargained for, and when I’m feeling especially vulnerable I sometimes wonder if I really am too much to love. Twelve years ago, a parent carelessly said I didn’t look pretty in a dress. The following day the dress had a mysterious and unfortunate encounter with a pair of scissors and was never seen again. Such words stick with you, take hold of you, and can influence how you live your life, if you believe it. If you think you deserve it. If you own it.

Something my Mom once told me was “Hurt people hurt people.” Everyone has insecurities screaming in a constant loop, and when it isn’t addressed in a healthy way, it will burst out and hurt others. A woman who has spent much of her life worried and self-conscious with her looks will see physical flaws in everyone. The deeper her Shame, the louder her Condemnation. She will see her daughter in a ratty shirt, or uncombed hair, or having gained a few pounds, and her own Shame will burst out towards the girl: “You’re ugly! You’re fat! You’ll never be pretty!” A woman who feels secure in herself has no need to tear down others. It isn’t the child, she just triggered the Shame in the woman. A man who has been made to fear failure and rejection will demand perfection from himself and those around him. The deeper his Shame, the louder his Condemnation. He will see the report card with an A-, the clumsy piano scale, or the awkward growing pains of puberty in his child, and his own Shame will burst out towards the boy: “You’re stupid! You aren’t a real man (or woman)! You have disgraced the family name!” A man who feels secure in himself has no need to tear down others. It isn’t the child, he just triggered the Shame in the man. Understanding that this comes from a place of deep pain doesn’t excuse anyone. We are always accountable for our words and actions. But my hope for you in reading this is that you might be able to recognize patterns and realize many things that have been said to you really had very little to do with you. Could you have really done or said something wrong that warranted a firm talking to? Absolutely! But if a person’s conclusion is that who you are as a person is too much, not enough, a waste of space, or unworthy of love, that is what THEY believe about THEMSELVES. And you don’t have to own their words. Do you hear me, Dearheart? That isn’t you. Don’t own it

All this in mind, we will add a third category to the mix called “Clueless.” Because there are things people genuinely say without intention. We as a species are hard-put to ever shut up, and it’s unrealistic to presume everything that comes out of our mouth will be golden. Words will be misinterpreted, incorrectly processed, stuffed into little labeled mason jars, pinned, and shelved into our memory bank where they will be examined on occasion, causing further heartbreak. It’s just what we do. There are some things we say that we don’t even remember saying, that means SO MUCH to the recipients. Unfortunately, much of this just comes down to how well you know the person, and how comfortable you are asking for clarification. I have friends I will blatantly ask if they intended to imply that I was “negative adjective,” friends I wouldn’t ask, and people whose opinion I don’t value enough to bother. The more you’re able to distinguish Guilt from Shame, the better you will differentiate between Helpful Criticism, Condemnation, and Clueless, and respond in healthy, helpful ways.

Now, it might not be wise to suggest to your condemner that they are likely ignoring deep-seeded issues within themselves that stemmed from their childhood. Someone who lives in the throws of Shame and has so little self control that they hurl it at others, they cannot be reasoned with. God needs to work in their lives, and there’s very little we can do about it. A screaming toddler can NOT be made to understand what they actually need is a nap. A Shame-filled person who casts their Shame on others can NOT see that it has very little to do with the person at the receiving end. Unfortunately relationships like this need to be avoided if at all possible, and when impossible, we need to learn protective techniques to not let their words take root in us. If it’s someone we legitimately cannot remove ourselves from, we need to learn how to put on our armor and acknowledge that their words hurt, but it isn’t actually about us. Have you ever heard that annoyingly pandering phrase, “You can’t love someone until you love yourself”? Or “We give and accept the love we think we deserve”? This is actually true. It’s NOT to say we’re incapable of love. As Image Bearers of God, we are MADE to love each other, and DEEPLY. But our capabilities to look at someone with love will be severely handicapped until OUR Shame is addressed. THAT is why the rock must be lifted, and the slithering crawlies be examined. Hurt people hurt people. And I know you don’t want to hurt anyone. So let’s take a look at OUR Shame.

Eventually, we become so used to believing the Shame given us, it’s not too long before we become capable of concocting our own, free from audience participation. Oh, we’ll use other people’s voices. I have a wonderful, loving relationship with my Mom, but in my head I have someone I call “Surplus Mom” who has her voice and says many of the things Real Mom says... but in an unloving way. I have a couple “Surplus” people in my head who take on the form and voices of people I respect and admire, and often they tell me things I imagine they would say if they were especially ashamed of me. When I listen to my inner voices of Shame, I find myself desperately working to silence them in unhelpful ways... Usually my response is to work even harder to prove these voices wrong. But they don’t want my best. They want perfect. But I’m literally incapable of giving it to them. Does that matter to them? Nope. Does that knowledge allow me to chill out and simply do what I can? NOPE! I am a Grade-A Perfectionist, and it legitimately hurts.

To be clear, Perfectionism is NOT wanting to do our best. It’s the NEED to BE the best. Perfectionists are often described in funny ways- that person who stays up at all hours of the night making sure each sentence of her essay is just right. The person who has a mental breakdown because the cake didn’t turn out, or she’s running five minutes behind... even the slightest flaw is reacted to with comical extravagancies and many of us laughingly brush these things off: “She’s such a perfectionist... He’s obsessed with rules.” In all actuality, Perfectionism is likely the most socially acceptable, and quietly cruel form of Shame we inflict upon ourselves. How strong must the fear of failure be, that drives someone to edit until four in the morning? How deep the self-hatred that looks in the mirror and only talks about how weight must be lost, hair must be altered, everything MUST be perfect, but it isn’t? Shame doesn’t just say you’re less than human. In the case of perfectionism, it says you have to be more than human. Neither are attainable. And we punish ourselves most harshly for our failure.

The final, and yet most insidious form of Shame, is the Condemnation we suppose comes from God. I remember talking to a friend who said “Even if god was real, he would’t want me!” And I think we all have moments like this. Many have been told since childhood of a God who judges harshly, who knows every one of your mistakes, and hates you for it. I have known far too many people who legitimately believed their actions had permanently removed them from the sphere of God’s love. When I was 18 and just recently graduated high school, I had relapsed and attacked my arms and legs. My priest knew the warning signs, confronted me, and later that week I sat across from him in his office, crying brokenly, certain God wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again. And what heartbreak it was, voicing my belief that the Creator of the Universe no longer loved me. The shame and pain I felt was such, I was one chest-heaving sob away from declaring I wished I had never been born. Fr. Jonathan listened for a very long time, didn’t rush me, and then reminded me who God was, and therefore who I was. Without giving a blow-by-blow of the hour conversation, here were the main things that stood out to me:

“Kelsey, I’m not going to say what you did wasn’t wrong. It was very wrong, and you know it. But what’s even more true is God loves you. He already sent His son Jesus to die on the cross from you, and me, for all our sins. And He knew this was one of those moments He would need to die for. And He did it gladly. If there was no one else in the world, He still would have clung to that cross, just for you. He doesn’t see you and think dirty, He sees you and sees love. That doesn’t mean what we do is always right, but it does mean it doesn’t have to define our story. It just explains a little. In God’s eyes you are precious. You always have been, and you always will me.”

“But it doesn’t feel like it!” I protested.

“Oh, don’t always trust your feelings.” He said matter-of-factly but not unkindly. “They lie.”

This might sound harsh as you read it, but may it help to know he has an English accent.

That conversation has remained in the forefront of my mind, and I hope it never fades: I am a most beloved daughter, a recipient of the never ending or wavering love and grace of God... and sometimes my emotions lie to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they mean to. But just as our consciousness embodies Shame, so do our emotions. And they can be wrong.

The greatest, daring thing we can do in the face of Shame, is ask for help. We all experience shame. No one likes to talk about or admit it. But the longer we keep quiet, the stronger Shame has a hold on us. We HAVE to talk about it. I have found some of my most painful acts of bravery and greatest moments of healing were when I reached out to a friend and voiced my Shame to them. I remember vividly a conversation with a friend when we were driving home after volunteering at an event. I had had a terrible day, was utterly exhausted, and the friend had pulled me aside to see how I was. We lived close to each other and at the end of the event they offered to drive me home because I was in such a tired state it was better I didn't drive. I felt horribly ashamed, because my Perfectionist Beast had reared it’s perfectly polished head and said I was in the way and a disgusting person for needing to be taken care of at an event where I was supposed to be the one taking care of others. On the ride home I blatantly asked my friend if the voice of Shame inside me was true. He was a very trusted friend, and I knew he would answer as honestly as he could. His response was to laugh so hard he almost drove us off the road. He was thrilled he had been able to help me that evening, he didn’t mind in the slightest. Our friendship was often so focussed on our volunteering he was so happy I had felt comfortable enough to ask for help, and return our relationship from co-workers back to friends. This conversation actually became a turning point in my own shame, because it wasn’t until that moment I realized just how deeply rooted this fear of being “in the way” was. And it gave me courage to ask for help another time, and another, with a different person, etc.

Now in my head, alongside my mean, “Surplus” characters, I have a couple “Guardian” characters. They are the faces and voices of people, like my friend, who counteract that the Shame-voices say. They don’t completely silence them, but rather than throw myself into a battle I’ve never managed to win, I send in some people who are impervious to the pain, who can fight alongside me. Outside my head I’ve been able to work with my counselor and friends, because I made that brave (and frightening- to be clear, I was terrified) step and voiced my Shame to another person. That’s what we all need to do. We’re only as dark as our secrets, and Shame’s greatest weapon is keeping us quiet so people who love us cannot contradict the lies. Let’s not give Shame that.

Finally, how we pray to God will have astronomical effects on our Shame. You cannot invite the Righter of Wrongs into your body, heart, mind, and soul, without things changing. If Shame hates an audience, it FEARS the one who speaks the truth: That you are lovable. That He loved you so much He died for you (no take backs!). That you are not “good enough” but His grace is sufficient for you, and you don’t have to be perfect. He loves you as you are, but too much to let you stay that way, and He is beginning a new work in you. Pray to THAT God and see what happens. Shame cannon hide from Him.

When we decide to invite God to speak into our Shame, and let others know we have it, it will start off very painful. Like that sickly crabapple tree, if we had uprooted it, a lot more than tree would have come out. Likely a boatload of soil would have come... part of the sidewalk, and knowing our yard, it would have upset a number of anthills. It would have been an utter mess, and it would have taken more than one day. Shame is like that. When you uproot it, other stuff comes up with it. Creepy crawlies and things that slither in the light, even things that are generally good (the sidewalk, the dirt) might come up and our hands might get blistered and we WILL get messy!

But what if there was someone who loved us very much, who knew all about crabapple trees, He lived next door, and was one prayer away from coming over, and helping you? What if He also knew how to fix the sidewalk so that it was even stronger than before? What if He knew how to uproot the tree without compromising the nearby house? What if in the process of clearing the space, it revealed a lot more problems, like crabapples that had begun to pollinate, and He cleared them away before they could take root? What if He encouraged you to invite a few friends over to help clear the space, and pick up some flowers to plant together? What if you did? What if together you, Him, and people you loved who loved you back planted a garden in this new space, and it was wonderful? What if it was more wonderful than we could possibly imagine? What if we reached out, and asked.

End.

Suggested Playlists

“God Only Knows” -For King and Country

“You Say” -Lauren Daigle

“Priceless” -For King and Country

“What Love Really Means” - JJ Heller

“You Are More” -Tenth Ave North

“Oh My Dear” - Tenth Ave North

“Burn The Ships” -For King and Country

“Beautiful Beautiful” Francesca Battistelli

“Empty My Hands” -Tenth Ave North

“Beloved” -Tenth Ave North

“Dear Younger Me” -MercyMe

“When Mercy Found Me” -Rhett Walker Band

Recommended reading

What: Addiction and Grace, by Gerald May

Age: 6th Grade and up (though it might at first seem overwhelming)

Trigger Warning: None, the language is very loving and gentle.

What: The Awakened Heart, by Gerald May

Age: 6th Grade and up

Trigger Warning: None.

What: Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Age: 6th Grade and up.

Trigger Warning: Low. Talks about shame in a very blunt and open way. Some swearing and discussions about shame involving sex.

What: The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown

Age: 6th grade and up

Trigger Warning: None. A wonderful book about shame and vulnerability. Some swearing, but it’s well earned.

What: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw

Age: 12th Grade and up. (Lots of technical talk.)

Trigger Warning: Moderate. Takes a deep look at external factors that can cause shame, including abuse and sexual assault.

What: Facing Shame: Families in Recovery, by Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason

Age: 9th Grade and Up

Trigger Warning: Moderate. A very deep look at shame, addiction, and family. Can be uncomfortable and upsetting, but also very enlightening!

What: Shame: The Power of Caring, by Gershen Kaufman

Age: 9th grade and up

Trigger Warning: Low. Does discuss shameful events like abuse and sexual assault, but not overly detailed.

What: The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken

Age: 6th Grade and up

Trigger Warning: Low-Moderate. Looks at the addictive side of things. Has a wonderful passage about shame-based families.

What: Abba’s Child, by Brennan Manning

Age: 6th Grade and up (the “Pharisee” chapter has some intentionally big words you might need to look up because he’s trying to be a know-it-all, but the rest is very easy to read)

Trigger Warning: The good kind. This one finds the sore parts of you and loves you gently.

What: You Are Special, by Max Lucado

Age: All ages

Trigger Warning: None. I know it’s a children’s book, but it’s a PERFECT illustration of the shame that binds us and how God can speak into it.

What: Corduroy, by Don Freeman

Age: All

Trigger Warning: None. Take a look at Corduroy’s guilt/shame (the lost button) and where he eventually finds healing!

What: Tales of the Kingdom, by John and Karen Mains

Age: 8-years-old and up

Trigger Warning: None. I cry each time I read this book because it’s journey through shame and redemption is so beautiful.