The Twelve Steps and the Cutter: Chapter

Let’s Talk About the Twelve Steps

- A prototype chapter for the workbook

My mom remembers driving me to see my counselor, me resting my still-sore legs on the dashboard, and reading the Twelve Steps to her. I have no recollection of this, but to be fair, I remember very little of that time anyway. I had just turned 19 and announced to my parents I was withdrawing my college application to focus on my mental health because I was cutting again. Turning to my long-term priest and mentor Jack for advice, he gave three options for a recovery approach: 12 Step Support Group, Counseling, or... I think rehab. I don’t remember. I chose counseling, and Jack offered some money from his discretionary fund to pay for the first three sessions. He also gave three names of counselors he knew, and I picked Jasmine, because she had an office along my bus rout. Early on in our sessions, Jasmine gave me the 12 Steps to look through. Again, I don’t remember this at all. But Mom vividly recalls me reading them to her as she drove me to my next appointment. All this to say, they didn’t have much of an impact on me, and they still don’t really click.

Don’t get me wrong, I know dozens upon dozens of addicts whose lives have been changed because of them. So please do not close this book, turn to someone you know who is part of an Anonymous group and say I think they’re a waste of time. They’re not. But for me personally there was something missing in the 12-Steps as they were written. And for awhile I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Over the years as I began reaching out to other self-harmers, I noticed I wasn’t the only one underwhelmed with the Steps. Unfortunately, there were a number of people I spoke to who had used this as yet another reason to give up treatment, and were once again in the throes of addiction, if they had ever left at all. A common theme I’ve found with us is we work in extremes. We’re WRONG, or RIGHT. And if we’re a little wrong, we’re ALL wrong. Consequently, if something else is a little wrong it’s ALL wrong. And I think that’s something we do with the 12 Steps, throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Not because the water was dirty, but because it wasn’t the perfect temperature and no one had told us we could spin the knob and make it hotter when time came for our bath.

At one point after I had been clean for maybe five years, Mom commented how she thought it was funny I didn’t feel connected to the 12-Steps, because she had seen me work through them. She gave examples and each time I found myself dismissing it, because the motivation was different. I hadn’t “admitted I was powerless over self-harm, that my life had become unmanageable.” I decided I had to stop because my behavior was in direct violation of my most dearly held beliefs about God. I hadn’t “Made a fearless moral inventory,” I was looking into my depression and anxiety, and childhood traumas, and preconceived notions of myself to figure out why my mind instinctively sought to destroy itself. My approach wasn’t the approach of an addict, it was a psychologist! Perhaps I was being pretentious, a know-it-all twenty-something (a dangerous combo!) insisting my paraphrase was so very different. But I believed then, and I still do, that the “Steps” I took had a different motivation driving me. But for me the differentiation was important. However I do have to concede to my mother: I did do 12 Steps. And I still do.

I offer to you two sets of Twelve Steps... the Original Twelve Steps created by Alcoholics Anonymous that you will find in every Anonymous group... and my own Twelve Steps, written “for cutters” but really for myself. These are the steps I took after my final relapse, these are the steps I continue to take, nine years later.

Let me explain the differences...

There's a post under "School Papers" also called "The Twelve Steps and the Cutter."There I offer a more in depth look at the Twelve Steps for people like me. I encourage you to take a look to better understand why my steps are what they are! But here are the smaller, blatantly obvious reasons for some of the changes...

First, all pluralistic pronouns “we, ourselves,” are changed to the singular “me, myself.” I will go blue in the face saying we cannot do this alone and having support systems of professionals and loved ones is vital. But I never sought out a group. I was and am still convinced that if I had walked into a self-harm 12-step program I would have been “disqualified,” because the one and only requirement was “the desire to stop cutting.” I never wanted to stop, and nine years later I still don’t. I haven’t intentionally caused myself physical harm for nine years, despite never wanting to give it up, because I found something better. And perhaps other addicts have similar stories. I know other cutters who loved group and I’m happy for them! But as an empath, I didn’t find it advisable to actively seek out other cutters, regardless of their recovery state. To this day when I see the scars of others my own limbs start to hurt. At the time of my withdrawal, seeing a paper cut was agonizing. I considered surrounding myself with people like me who were scarred for the same reason I was, to be dangerous. My priest/mentor agreed that I needed to trust my instincts in this situation.

Second, though each step more or less mirrors the original steps, each one of MY steps has an adage: In addition to the addiction, our steps MUST address the underlying issues that made self-harm a ‘reasonable’ option. If you only address the self-harm but ignore WHY you did it, you will be ripe for rebound, and find something else unhealthy to use. When I said my motivation was different, I was really focussing more on the mental heath/motivation aspect and used my addiction to self-harm as a guide to find the deeper stuff. This is what most of the adage involves.

Third, the original Twelve Steps refer to “A Higher Power as we understood Him.” This is intentionally vague. I needed NOT vague. I had given my life to Jesus Christ five years before my final relapse, and this was the God I turned to. If you are not a Christian, or are uncertain if you even believe in the existence of a God, you are of course encouraged to follow the AA Step and simply trust (and take great comfort) that you are not the ultimate authority, that be it a god, or group, or The God, there is something bigger out there and you’re NOT it. But MY mantra, MY reason for giving up this addiction that I sorely loved, was a deeper love for the God who had saved my life so many years ago. My Steps had to actively acknowledge Him, and it works.

“What if none of these steps click with me and your entire idea is stupid?” someone defiantly grumbles. Good question, person in the back! To you I say: all I know, is all I know. And I know I have found healing, these nine years, because of the steps I’m about to show you. It’s true, we are not cookie cutter people, and very seldom does one size fit all. BUT, these steps have worked on people. Hundreds of thousands of people have found healing, TRUE healing, through the 12 Steps. I have found healing, TRUE healing, through the steps I took. Maybe you have found something that is completely different. And if it has brought you to a place of health and healing that is neither a relapse (falling back into the harmful cycle) or a rebound (putting down your blade in exchange for something else addictive (cigarettes, under/overeating, drugs)). And if you have found something, then I’m so happy for you and would love to hear what you did that worked! Others who will eventually read the workbook would appreciate as many ideas as possible! But if you’ve tried and failed to get clean by yourself, I encourage you to give these steps a try. We can’t do it on our own, DearHeart.

Before you start reading, how about you print them out (or grab a notebook and copy them down) and circle which of the two in each step you most identify with? In the space below, you can write down what the steps would look like in your life. Example: Step Ten talks about having a safety plan. What might YOUR safety plan incorporate? Happy reading!

Step One

Original: “We admitted we were powerless over [self-harm]—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Mine: “I acknowledge self-harm served its purpose for a time, but now there is a better way to take care of my needs.”