Why Me? The Road Towards Self-Harm Research

My entrance essay for grad school.

Self-harm, the act of intentionally causing oneself pain or harm, is an ever growing epidemic in the field of mental health. In 2004 Christian counselor Edward T. Welch published Self-Injury: When Pain Feels Good, a 28-page booklet offering a previously unconsidered spiritual approach. Welch’s investigations into the spiritual and psychological elements of self mutilation were instrumental for my own recovery, and yet his (and other authors’) overly anthropological approaches missed key factors vital for the recovery process, elements I myself aspire to fulfill.

When the world saw self-harm as primarily a suicidal behavior in the early 2000s, Welch emphasized that the average self-injurer wants to live despite the ongoing struggle to cope with overwhelming emotions. Rather than a brooding teenager who desired death, Welch described self-injurers as frequently bright individuals who at the most basic lacked a coping mechanism for the day to day stressors of their lives. Instead of dismissing this behavior as crazy, Welch took the time to describe the cycle of a non-suicidal self-harmer, drawing attention to the person’s emotionally compromised thought process:

The roots of self-abuse cycle go deep, but it tends to be activated by “stress”- a difficult circumstance and your emotional response, or an intolerable emotional experience that no longer needs cues to trigger it.... If you have no alternatives, self-injury gradually becomes the preferred response because it works. It provides an immediate sense of regained control and emotional relief. It offers a satisfying way to give voice to the silent screams within. In short, it brings peace; not lasting peace... when the experience of peace fades, the same circumstances and emotions are waiting to disrupt your inner world again, and the cycle continues. (5, 6)

Many books and websites of the time would have settled with the above explanation, Welch instead insisted the true motivation behind self mutilation “says something about what we believe about God and our relationship with him... What we see in ourselves and our relationships points to our deeper, though often avoided, relationship with God.” (12) Guilt, anger, rejection, victimization, these pains were now explored through the lenses of a relationship with God, and how the self-harmer perceives Him. From this stance, Welch focussed on our failed standards and the accurate perception we can never be good enough. The pathway to healing, he posited, is to confess the sin of self mutilation and to break the cycle by trusting in a God who already met the impossible standard for us through death on a cross.

When this booklet first found its way into my hands in 2010, I myself had been caught in the grips of self-harm for years. Welch was the first voice to suggest there was something deeper than my mind and emotions at play. This led to the natural conclusion that recovery would require something more than want and willpower. Thus followed a long and painful journey of soul searching, counseling and physical therapy bringing me to a place of understanding, recovery and wellness that has lasted for over eight years.

Ironically despite the life changing thought process Welch inspired, I found his booklet significantly lacking in three ways. First from a psychophysiological aspect he did his readers a disservice in neglecting to define self-harm as an addiction, closing an entire world of resources such as Twelve Step programs. Second, he mentioned only once on the final pages the need to “let other people in” (26) with no mention of accountability or professional help. Finally, despite his spiritual depth and explanation for the sinful mindset of cutting, Welch ironically failed to explain why the most basic act of self-harm is wrong. Despite these major shortcomings Welch does at least begin the reader down the road of asking deeper questions and remains the only piece of literature of self-harm I have ever considered worth recommending.

Since my final relapse in 2010 the Lord has put countless self-harmers in my path. Some approach me after hearing my testimony; other times I recognize warning signs in a teenager and seek them out. Even before pursuing recovery I spent time online at mental health chat sites to ask questions of others and in turn became someone from whom others sought advice. By the time I graduated college I had formally and informally interviewed well over a hundred self-harmers. Though my encounters with self-injurers and their loved ones have been continuous these ten years, one story best illustrates why I am impatient to professionally research self-harm.

One year ago during a Christian conference in Chicago I found myself speaking to a fellow leader from a different youth group. I learned within minutes of meeting “Sarah” that she had both non-suicidal and suicidal cuts, all recent. Shortly after I confronted Sarah, she asked me to instigate a conversation between herself and members of her church, which we scheduled the following day. Two moments of this meeting stuck with me sending me down the path towards higher education.

The first moment was the beginning of the meeting, which was tense and uncomfortable. Sarah explained to her mentors and fellow youth group volunteers she was struggling with an addiction and had brought ‘an expert on the subject’ to help the conversation along. I look incredibly young and given that we were working at a youth convention it was apparent their instinctive concern was that Sarah had brought in a teenager. Sensing this I gave a several minute explanation of who I was, including not only my own history but my unofficial research and encounters with other self-injurers. As I spoke, the others visibly became comfortable with me as the resident expert, and I was struck by how much time had to be allotted just to assure them I was more than a girl with a history and a lot of nerve. Of course, this was reasonable as I was not a psychologist or a counselor with no letters after my name. And yet the question was raised in my own mind: How much more could I help and reach people were I officially a professional in the field?

The second moment that stayed with me was the close of our four-hour meeting. The atmosphere was completely changed, and the priest, social worker and youth group leaders requested any additional resources I trusted. The only piece of literature I could confidently give was Edward T. Welch, though I cautioned them that it was incomplete, and the best course of action was to seek professional counseling and support groups. I was left feeling uneasy that the only help I could suggest was a booklet I considered lacking.

The aftermath of this meeting sent my brain reeling. I wanted to be able to refer these people to helpful and complete resources. Something not only to help Sarah better understand herself but for her loved ones as well. There were thick psychology books but adolescent self-harmers were unlikely to access these books much less comprehend them. This information needed to be presented in a way that was easy to understand and find, educational for everyone and above all safe for the self-injurer. This newfound sense of urgency and the need to have the necessary credentials to speak into the professional world merged and the desire to pursue graduate school was born.

Media concerning self-harm tends towards two extremes: analytically impersonal or graphically emotional. Psychologists and journalists speak of the subject with a detached scientific tone indicative of an educated but impersonal perspective. Though helpful information may be found in the margins, their work fails to connect with the self-injurer who desperately wants someone to promise the hope they have failed to find. In contrast self-harmers write poetry and shows pictures of their past and present wounds drawing thousands online to their deeply emotional and spiritual brokenness, all the while unable to find a long-term solution. My goal is to conduct interviews of self-injurers and Mental Health professionals, creating a continuum of YouTube videos easily accessible to the public. This project’s aim is to combine analytical with emotional, providing the scientific psychological education while keeping the personal tenderness needed for self-injurers to recognize they are being invited into an ongoing conversation with someone who understands.

Despite being clean for eight years I am aware my background will likely serve not only to my advantage but pose as my most dangerous weakness. To conduct research with the proper depth of understanding required, I will need to return to a dark side of the internet and follow old wounds of my own to find and give voice to this pain so many have. I will see many ugly things and I will be tempted to relapse. Accountability will be of the utmost importance, continued counseling, prayer and community group nonnegotiable musts. Self-awareness for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual state will be a daily venture, else the entire project will fail, pulling me down with it.

While research has been conducted by others in the field of self-harm, there’s much left to be done. Walking down the paved paths of Welch and others will serve as invaluable guides until the time comes to become a pioneer myself in this world that is still so dark and unknown to many. Despite the daunting struggles this journey promises, I am anxious to begin. For Sarah and others like her. For the loved ones of the self-harmer, and for the lonely and desperate injurer lost in cyberspace posting yet another video or picture, in the hope that someone out there might understand their aching questions. In many ways, I think I'm doing this for myself. Now that I have a slightly clearer understanding what I needed, I want to be the help I didn't have.

Works Cited

Welch, Edward T. Self-Injury: When Pain Feels Good. P & R Pub., 2004